slow down

Sometimes I try so hard to stay in control that I miss out on the little pleasures in life. I try so incredibly hard not to look naive, that I become more cynical than I want to be.

I want to slow down. I want to take my time and marvel at this wonderful world. At this wonderful city. I want to take pictures. I want to be a tourist. I don't want to care what other people think.

I want to make mistakes. I don't want to anticipate the things that are going to go wrong. I want to be surprised, both pleasantly and unpleasantly. I want to take chances.

I want that childlike innocence and curiosity about everything and everyone in my life.

I'm a waitress trying to be a performer in New York City. I have to accept that. I'm a total cliche and I can't pretend I'm not. But I have to be proud of my career choice, and own up to it in front of other people. I don't have to always make jokes about it. I don't have to make excuses for what I'm doing with my life.

happy halloween

I was at work, feeling sorry for myself as usual. Looking outside at everyone in their costumes. They all looked like they were having such fun. I was sure most of them were all going to huge wonderful parties to have the time of their life. And the rest of them were going to the parade. I was standing in front of the door, hostessing, being fake nice, freezing my butt off, prepared to stay until midnight or 1 in the morning.

THEN my wonderful amazing magnificent boss Tony saunters up to me. And says, "you want to go home?" I thought I was hearing things. I had him repeat it. It was a slow night. He didn't need me for the night. I COULD GO HOME.

All of a sudden, my mood changed! I was the happiest girl in the world! My heart was light and joyful! I WAS FREE! I think the subway ride home was the most joyful time I've spent in New York so far. I felt like jumping up and serenading all the stoic silent people next to me.

But that's not all. That's not the end of this oddly wonderful night.

I got a phone call from my roommate inviting me to a Halloween party. Costume not necessary. So I spontaneously hopped back on the subway and headed back into the city. It's not until I met up with her and started heading to the party when it hit me that she works for Xanadu (backstage assistant) and we were headed to the Xanadu Broadway cast party. We walked in to the upstairs section of the fancy-schmancy bar. It was a small invite-only party, so Danielle had to tell the door guy "who we knew". We got tickets for free drinks. I was suddenly immersed in all these industry people, some I recognized from pictures. Then...Kerry Butler and Cheyenne Jackson showed up. I couldn't believe I was at a party with these people I look up to so incredibly much. But I couldn't talk to them. I was at a party with them, and could talk to the people Danielle knew -- some musicians, some backstage crew...but not the actors. I didn't want to look like a crazy theatre fan. I was trying so hard to blend in and look cool.

In a way, it was frustrating. It was like...so close, and yet so far away. Half of me felt like I belonged there and fit in perfectly. The other half of me realized that I was light years away from actually BEING THERE.

Still, the night inspired me. I want to start auditioning again.

It's funny the little things that make you happy. It's funny the little things that make your LIFE. But thank goodness for them.

good news and bad news

I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

The good news? Great.

I got a new job that is hopefully going to make me a lot happier than my current one. It's the singing waitress job at Ellen's Stardust Diner. Also on Times Square. Also a huge tourist attraction. I am going to be wearing a poodle skirt and singing karaoke for a living. However cheesy this sounds, the pay is much much (MUCH) better than my current job. Oh, and another plus is that I finally get to randomly burst into song without annoying people. I couldn't be happier. I feel like I'm finally taking a step forward, and even though it's a very small step, I think it will lead to good things.

The bad news? The very very (VERY) bad news?

I'm not going to be able to come home for Christmas. That was their condition. If they hired me, no Christmas break. I'll have my "Christmas" break sometime in January. You have no idea how upset I am about this. I almost didn't take the job because of it.

Also, it wasn't fun telling my current boss that I was quitting after a mere week, leaving them without a hostess. Or, "hostessless."

So...I have an idea. I think everyone should come to New York for Christmas. Seriously. Leave your family (or heck - bring your family!), hop on a plane, stay with me. We'll have a tree, and hot chocolate, and presents. I'll cook a big Christmas dinner! Or, you know, we could go out. Either way. That would be so nice. And not so lonely.

work work work

Okay now. I am absolutely exhausted. After spending hours "job hunting" on Craigslist (also known as "procrastinating"), and then subwaying my way all over Manhattan, I finally got a hostess job. On Times Square, where I wanted to be. However, it's a night job. I get there at 5PM, and don't leave until 1 or 2 in the morning, which means I don't get back home until 3. I need some night to myself! I love my nights. And half my coworkers are Italian, and the other half are Russian. I can't understand a thing that comes out of their mouths. And how am I supposed to memorize 20 names like "Yowanho" and "Jugme"?

However...everyone is really nice. It's a fun job. They are all guys, and they all keep asking me if I'm married. They like me. They might just be trying to become American citizens, I don't know. But they sneak me free cookies and cheesecake all the time.

music randomness

A couple of things I thought you should all know:

1) I didn't bring my musicals here. That's right. My 5 big briefcases of music are at home in Stephenville. I have all my regular music here on my ipod, but no musicals. And I'm not missing them one bit.

2) It's like ipod heaven here. Everyone who's anyone wears an ipod everywhere.

3) I had to buy an alarm clock, so I convinced myself that an iHome is a good investment. Ha. But I love it. If you don't know what an iHome is, it's an alarm clock that plays your ipod as the alarm. And it charges it. It's pretty darn cool, and pretty much a waste of money.

4) A list: Songs I Love Right Now That Everyone Else Should Too:

friday i'm in love - the cure
anna begins - counting crows
little plastic castles - ani difranco
your untouchable face - ani difranco
dead end - the format
dog problems - the format
i want you - elvis costello
morningside - sara bareilles
so unsexy - alanis morrisette
boats and birds - gregory and the hawk
manifest destiny - guster
you know i'm no good - amy winehouse
i hope that i don't fall in love with you - tom waits
the nature anthem - grandaddy
mona lisas and madhatters - elton john

A long list but do yourself a favor and give them all a try. Some poppy and light, some achingly beautiful. All perfect for walking the streets of New York (or, you know, Dallas, Houston, Austin, Spain, or Stephenville).

i've arrived!

So, I'm here! In New York City. I am officially a New Yorker (or technically, an Astorian) and I don't think I've ever been happier than I am this morning. It's a gorgeous fall day outside. I'm the Starbucks at Ditmars/31st in Astoria, which is great. The energy here is amazing. People are so nice. I feel like I'm a perfect fit for this place; I feel like I'm meant to be here. I already got a MetroCard and I'm planning on using it all day today since I have nothing incredibly important to do. I can't really start job hunting until Monday. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself because I don't feel like doing it today. I just feel like exploring and enjoying myself.

My apartment is unbelievable. It's kind of a miracle. Here's a few reasons why:

Bus stop on the corner
Quick commute to midtown
Laundromat on the corner
SAFE neighborhood
Backyard
Hardwood floors
Beautiful kitchen area with granite counters & bar
Good sized closet
Great roommate

The only drawbacks are the bad paint job and the 15 minute walk to the subway. Honestly, I don't even mind the walk. At least I didn't this morning. I'm sure in the middle of the bitter winter I'll change my mind.

And my room is SO CUTE (I'll take pictures when I'm done decorating)! And can you believe I have a good sized closet? And a backyard? And the neighborhood is gorgeous. I got up early and jogged this morning. I had to; it was too beautiful outside. Then I walked here, which is an adorable area. It's like a mini midtown, with more young artsy people than anyone else.

Last night was my parents' last night here. We had dinner with Danielle's family. I'm incredibly lucky to get a roommate as wonderful as her. I think we're going to get along really well. We're going into the city tonight to meet up with some guys Danielle met from work. I'm really excited to start meeting people!

On a side side note, I still have no desire to start auditioning and get back into "theatre mode." I am officially burned out. I DO want to take some random classes that are somewhat related to performing. I'd really like to take a good improv class. And maybe learn how to meditate. I think I need to "feed my soul" and feel inspired again before I jump back in.

I'm sorry this post is annoyingly happy, I just thought I'd take advantage of this joyous mood I'm in and write so I can remember it. I'll be sure and fill you in on all the crappy things that happen, too. :) But that hopefully won't be til much later...after the honeymoon phase is over!

substitute teaching

Grace just called me from Spain (I miss her!!) and inspired me to write in my blog again. She's up there being an "au pair", which I sure don't know how to pronounce, but it means "nanny." I'm so envious.

I have a little over a week until my big move. I'm not taking hardly anything up there. My parents are flying with me, and we're each taking two suitcases filled with my clothes and books. This is the most I've ever had to downsize. It's probably a good thing. It's hard for me to simplify my life unless I'm forced to. Surprisingly, it was harder for me to decide which books to take than which clothes. Who would've thought?!

Ahhh, so what have I been doing with myself lately? Here, stuck in the middle of nowhere, with no company except for my parents, the donkeys, and the occasional weekend visitor (thank you Lara, Anna, and Melanie)...I've been teaching. Every day. And while there are moments I enjoy, on a whole I basically want to shoot myself. I don't know how much more I can take. Here are some highlights:

• "Miss Mikah! Hunter just said 'friggin'!"
• (after I said 'dang it'): huge gasp from everyone, one little girl says: "MISS MIKAH! say 'DARN it'! that's a nicer word!"
• (from me): "Claire, please button your pants and get out from under the table. And stop coloring on Nick."
• (on the playground, this little girl is bawling her face off...I thought she was hurt, so I get out my first aid kit, but then she says in between her tears): "Miss Mikah--(sob)--Chip won't push me--(sob)--on the merry-go-round!"

And I have to tell you...whoever invented this thing called the "tattle bag" was an absolute genius. It solves so much. Let me tell you a secret you might have known already: little kids LOVE to tattle. It's their favorite pastime. But apparently, they believe anything. There's a brown paper bag sitting in the corner of the classroom with "Tattle Bag" in it. Anytime someone comes up to me to complain or whine, I tell them to tell the tattle bag. And the crazy thing is, they actually do it! Happily! You should see their faces when they tell the tattle bag. They'll look at the person they are telling on, with this look that says "ha! I really showed you!" They are the most gullible little buggers ever!

Kids are a complete mystery to me. I don't think I'll ever understand them. I'm trying, though.